Tuesday, November 28, 2017

First Annual Portland Gloom Fest 2017!

Who's ready for Gloom Fest '17?
The assignment presented to the group of beer bloggers seemed easy enough: create and design your own BEER FESTIVAL! Hell, I've dreamed about that for years! DECADES! So why couldn't I think of anything to write? Why did I sit there staring at my blank computer screen for hours? Days? Writer's block? Nah, I'd actually have to be a writer for that to be the case. I pondered and pondered, stroking my unkempt, wizened beard, as I stared glumly out at the gray, dreary, November sky. The leaves endlessly falling into my yard. The rain drizzling, drizzling, drizzling... THAT'S IT! Seasonal Affective  Disorder! I'd solved the riddle of my doldrums AND come up with the perfect Portland beer festival!

Welcome to PORTLAND GLOOM FEST! (This festival is particularly appropriate, given that the topic of this assignment was created by beer writer extraordinaire, Brian Yaeger, who recently relocated from Portland to...Santa Goddamn You Brian Barbara.) Now that I've taken a fistful of Sunny Gummies, I'm ready to create my fest!

Here are ALL the details:

SIZE: The Portland Gloom Fest should remain a small event of fewer than 500 participants. Why? More than 500 people and you've got a PARTY! Portlanders are just too damn resourceful and I have no doubt that they will always find a way to have a good time if enough people are involved.

BEER STYLES: Typically, a free-for-all is not advisable when it comes to the beer styles allowed at a beer festival, but this is Gloom Fest. My initial thought is that the beers involved should not be for beer newbies. No session beers, no hefeweizens, no fizzy, yellow, wussy beers. Gloomy Portlanders need something to remind them that their taste buds are still alive when the winter gloom REALLY sets in. Gloom Fest beers need to be dank, bitter and nasty, just like my soul after 97 days of continuous rain. I want to see ridiculous IBU's in those IPA's. Barleywine Ales with enough ABV to get an elephant drunk. Russian Imperial Stouts with the viscosity of motor oil. Bringing a chile beer to Gloom Fest? It better ring up on the Scoville Scale at around 250k. I think you get the idea.

The perfect beer fest for
a case of the SADs...
LOCALS ONLY: Needless to say, this is a locals only affair. The last thing we need is some beer tourist from a sunny clime mucking the whole thing up with their chipper disposition and sun-evened complexion. Breweries need to be local, too, but we'll accept offerings from our brothers in gloom over in Vancouver, WA. They understand the necessity of a tightly clinched hoodie in the deep throes of a Pacific Northwest winter.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION: It shouldn't be too difficult to find an empty, burnt out old warehouse down by the river--not all of them have been turned into high-end condos yet. A damp, moldy tent set up at the Oaks Amusement Park could also fill the bill. As long as the roof leaks, we should be good to go! Of course, the third or fourth week of December would be an ideal time for Gloom Fest. The Winter Solstice is on December 21st, which is a Thursday this year. True seasonal depression should be just getting a deep footing in the psyches of most PDX denizens right around that time. Too bad the corrupt and incompetent officials of Multnomah County already sold the abandoned Wapato Corrections Facility. That would have been a swell location for Gloom Fest!

GLASSWARE: Bring your own Mason Jar and get 50% off admission! Free Sharpees will be provided so you can add your own damn logo. This is Gloom Fest. Nobody is going to design some awesome logo just so the City of Portland can try to steal it from us! Hells no!

ADMISSION: I don't know about you, but I don't like expensive beer festivals. Gloom Fest admission is FREE! (I know, that kind of takes the "deal" out of the 50% off deal for bringing your own glass, but life's a bitch, then you move to Portland and die.) Taster tickets are $1. Need to leave and come back? I will personally draw a unicorn on your goddamned face with one of those Sharpees. Designated drivers? Of course! We'll have special NOT DRINKING wristbands for your long-suffering, beer-hating bestie or significant other that you selfishly and mercilessly drag along to every beer festival, you schmuck, you.

Man! I don't know about you, but I'm getting really excited about Gloom Fest! I'm all a-tingle! It's either excitement or the two Monster Energy drinks I mixed with a lager and  used to  wash down my high blood pressure meds. Either way, I'm psyched! I hope you are, too! See you at the Portland Gloom Fest!


  1. Oh, man, I think I'm more excited about attending your festival than mine!!

  2. Ha! I should've gifted you all our vitamin D gummies! It's December and I'm pretty fucking tan. Miss the shit out of you lot, though.

    1. We certainly miss you, Brian! Ha, but don't ever come back. We want to live vicariously through your sunny new lifestyle. ;-)