Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Beer Guy PDX Holiday Gift Guide 2016

Happy freakin' holidays, ya filthy animal!
Yeah, yeah, I know! I'm getting off the mark a little late this year. I've been a wee bit distracted by the collapse of Western Civilization, the destruction of Democracy and, uh, stuff. You know how it is. Anyway, anyhow, anyhoo, we have about 18 shopping days until Christmas, and for all the Johnny Come-Latelies like me who do most of our shopping on-line, there's about a 10-day window to get this job done. Yikes!

This isn't so much a "gift guide" as it is the random meanderings of a desperate man across the internet. I must say that once again I've found a number of amazing beer-related gifts--for myself. What? Did you think I was going shopping for you? Don't be silly.

1) Let's start out with a great little stocking stuffer. Does  your significant other love beer? Does he also have a mustache? What happens to his 'stache as soon as he takes a long sip on that pint glass?


Here's a little tool to solve that problem: The MoGuard Mustache Guard Drink Attachment. The MoGuard is made from flexible silicon and can fit a variety of glasses. Just slap it onto the glass and enjoy some foam-free sipping. Available right now at Amazon for only $9.99 and free shipping for Prime members, the MoGuard comes in a variety of colors and is dishwasher safe. There's also a hole in the thing for attaching to a keychain, but my keys are filthy, so that's not gonna happen. CLICK HERE for ordering information.

2) Is your primary mode of transportation a bicycle? Do you ever have a hard time transporting mass quantities of beer by bicycle? If so, I have  a great little item for you!

The Beer Gear 6 Pack Bike Carrier by True is made from sturdy nylon and holds six bottles of beer. It can be easily attached to a bike frame or a  pannier rack, and it's even insulated! Won't you be the stylin' devil when you pull up to the next bottle share with this  tote strapped to your fixie? Hell, yeah, you will!

Only $11.89 right now on Amazon AND there's free shipping for Prime members.

CLICK HERE for ordering information.

3) I don't know about you, but I don't think it's possible to own too many bottle openers. Of course, Mrs. BeerGuyPDX would disagree, but she just doesn't understand the  pure tragedy of needing a beer bottle open and not having an opener immediately within reach. Come on! Somebody might actually have to walk into another room to pop that top off a cold one? That's crazy talk!

No matter. I will have an opener conveniently mounted in every room as soon as I get this Diablo III Bottle Opener from ThinkGeek.

This devilish device is the spittin' image of good ol' Diablo from the epic Blizzard video game. It can also be magnetically attached to the fridge! What more could you want? I'm pretty sure my lovely spouse will have no problem with me mounting this thing on our living room wall, right next to the velvet Jesus.

Only $19.99! CLICK HERE for ordering information.

4) It's my personal opinion that a man just isn't a real man unless he has a little fire in his pocket. Do you know what I mean? No? Okay, a man is supposed to be able to cut stuff and set stuff on fire whenever asked. It's the law of the urban jungle. That's why a decent pocket knife and a reliable lighter are de rigueur for any dude worth his snuff.

There's nothing more awesomely reliable than a trusty Zippo lighter. I firmly believe every man should carry one in his pocket--whether he  smokes or not. And wouldn't you know it? Zippo has several beer-themed lighters  available.

Right now, at Amazon, you can order a Zippo Beer 6 Pack Engraved Lighter for  the low price of $29.95 (okay, that's not so low) and with free shipping!

CLICK HERE to get one!

5) My wife just loves candles. That's my go-to stocking stuffer for her. "Mmmm, isn't the smell of this lavender-scented votive divine," she'll say. I'll just nod in the affirmative--like I know what lavender is--like I know what a votive candle is--you know, like I know.

This year, I want a candle! The Beer Scented Stinky Candle from the Stinky Candle Company sounds like it's  perfect for moi! Truthfully, I've never smelled one of these. I have no idea if it actually smells like beer. Heck, for only $10.99 at Perpetual Kid, why not give it a try? I mean, seriously, how bad could it be?

Order one today and let me know how it goes. CLICK HERE for more information.

6) Ah, yes! Every year I run across an item that is just so ridiculously wrong that I MUST have one! Here's the conversation I imagine between two drunks at the last George Foreman Grill Inventors Convention:

DRUNK ONE: Say, Billy, you know what would be terrifi-, turrifi-terr--AWESOME!

DRUNK TWO: No, Joe--BURP!--I do not!

DRUNK ONE: A bottle opener that can shoost out the bottle cap like a gun!

DRUNK TWO: (misses high-five) HELLS, YES! That would be clashic! I mean CLASSIC! Let's do it!

Yup, because nobody's eye is getting shot out here! Nope! Nopitty nope! The LMS Cap Zappa Beer Bottle Opener Cap Launcher Shooter by Spinning Hat can be had  at Amazon for only $8.44 with free shipping. What could go wrong? Don't sue me if anything does!

CLICK HERE for more information.

7) How is your beer lover set for steins? Come on! Nobody can have too many beer steins! Steins are collectible! My wife actually lets me display mine in a "discreet" spot in our living room. Okay, they're in the hall closet but that's CLOSE to the living room.

Check this out! They have a trio of Star Wars steins available for $39.99 on Amazon with free Prime shipping! They have Darth Vader, R2D2 and my personal fav: Chewbacca. I want one!

The Star Wars Chewbacca Stein is a collectible, 22oz, ceramic mug with a metal hinge that unfortunately does not make the distinctive Chewbacca roar sound when you lift his head for a sip. You can, however, provide the sound effect for yourself.

CLICK HERE for the info.

8) To quote the timelessly skeevy Dean Martin Christmas tune, "Baby, it's cold outside!" What can you do to keep yourself warm, other than put yourself in harm's way hanging out with a slurring, leering, semi-inebriated lounge lizard?  How about the perfect winter scarf?

The Beer Time Scarf from Portland's own Hopworks Urban Brewery (HUB) is appropriately stylish for all kinds of yucky weather.

Get yourself one for only $22.00 at the Hopworks on-line store. CLICK HERE for ordering information.

Okay, that's my list for now. I may follow up with a Part 2 tomorrow. If I don't, here's wishing you all a very merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, and the best New Year ever!

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