Saturday, August 29, 2015

Wolf's Cane Shake of the Week: TOO SOON for Pumpkin Beer!

Ding dang it!
Due to a recent medical mishap that I'm slooooowly recovering from, I need to use a cane to steady myself and/or keep from falling into the gutter face first. I know, I know, I'm old and infirm. What ya gonna do? I put hot rod flame stickers on it, a la House, but there's really no cool factor to a cane, no matter how jauntily I try to walk down the street with it.

I really only need the cane when I'm ambling to the bus stop or find myself at a place where I need to stand for a long period of time. No big deal, but I figure that if I'm going to have this damn cane around for a while, I might as well put it to full use.

Those who know me already have me appropriately pegged as a grumpy, old crank. Now, I have a cane that I can shake at those excessively tatted and Swiss cheese-ily pierced hipster kids when they park in front of my house or play that crazy rave music too loudly. My gawd! How do they listen to that crap? DANG KIDS!

Wait, did that lady in the Berkies just let her overly-coiffed lapradoodle crap on the parkway without cleaning it up? Hey, lady! Yes! I'm shaking this cane in YOUR general direction! EEEE, OHHH, COUGH!

What? Portlandia is filming in my neighborhood again? Git the hell outta here, you Hollyweirdos! See this cane shakin', Fred and Carrie? WHEEZE, SPUTTER!

As you can tell, I'm having a lot of fun with my cane shaking, which has led me to create a new segment for my blog called Wolf's Cane Shake of the Week.

Today, I'm shaking my cane at the brewers who are putting their pumpkin beers out before the summer is even officially over. I saw several in the cold case at Fred Meyer today. What the hell? I'm not a big pumpkin beer fan to begin with, I'm just sayin', but this is ridiculous! Fortune Magazine posted an article about it this week and it appears these wily but unscrupulous brewers have a strategy to get their pumpkins in our faces as early as possible. It's a CONSPIRACY, I tell ya! Call Art Bell! Get Portland-hatin' Glenn Beck on the phone!

Pumpkin beers have long been "seasonal" brews, and I think it's important to keep them in the appropriate SEASON, which is FALL. It's the same kind of "seasonal creep" that we've seen from retailers for years. Thanksgiving and Christmas merchandise hit the shelves earlier and earlier all the time. It ruins the mood of these special holidays when the decorations are up so soon that they get sun-faded and dust-coated. COME ON!

Brewers, please stop trying to get the jump on each other and come to some kind of mutual understanding about the release date of pumpkin beers. Can we do that? I would be more than happy to arbitrate the situation, cane in fist, if that's what it takes. At least, wait until the first week of October. Um-kay? Don't make me keep shaking this cane at ya!

I suppose many of you folks who enjoy pumpkin beers are tickled to death to see your gourdy, vegetal favorites in stores this early. Why, why do you love these odd brews that so often taste like somebody spoiled a perfectly good beer by plunking a piece of gooey pumpkin pie into it? WHY? I'm shaking my cane at you right now...

Okay, that's enough for shoulder is getting sore and I either have to swap cane shakin' arms or take a break. Time for my nap, anyway. STOP IT ALREADY WITH THEM THERE EARLY PUMPKIN BEERS! Thank you.

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