Sunday, August 4, 2013

United Brands Company - Joose Strawberry Margarita

Slumming big time...
Convenience store, Anytown, US of A. If you've never experienced this very unique slice of Americana, where the hell have you been? Were you raised in a gated community, home schooled and chauffeured to the country club for swim and golf lessons until you were 18? Probably.

For us Unfortunate Sons, we know what it's like to hang around the local 7-11, Circle K, Plaid Pantry, et al. late at night--trying to work up the courage to ask some smelly transient to buy us a six pack of whatever the hell they could grab and shuffle out the door with. It's a sacred coming of age ritual.

Hell, I remember waiting three effing hours for Ben Hasselbecker to come out of Tipsy Fox Liquor with a single sixer of Mickey's Big Mouths. Ben had a sweet mustache and we knew the partially blind clerk would never card him. Ah, that malt liquor tasted so, so sweet.

I found myself in front of the cold case at my local 7-11 tonight. How the hell do they get away with selling such swill? My stepson refers to this crap as "panty droppers". High sugar, super high ABV malt beverages that taste like soda pop but pack a helluva wallop. It's almost criminal. I picked up a can of Joose Strawberry Margarita. 12% ABV in a 23.5 oz. can. Holy crap! That's a heavier hitter than anything you'll find at Portland's famous Holiday Ale Festival. Yoink! I had to buy a can to review.

Joose Strawberry Margarita poured into my large Mason jar a bright, unnatural red color. The stuff was practically  neon. Hawaiian Punch red. Cancer-causing, Red Dye #5 kind of red. OMG, can I really put that in my mouth kind of red? Lots of fizzy red foam bubbled up through the ice. It's ALIVE!

Aroma was sweet, cotton candy, sugary, fake berry. Starburst strawberry smell. Sweet, artificial strawberry.

Taste was an initial rasp of heinous alcohol, immediately masked by super sweet, sugary, fake berry flavor. Reminded my very much of Frankenberry cereal. Gawd, it's sweet. And then it tastes like burning.

Soda pop carbonation and psychosis-inducing booziness. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Why isn't someone in prison for making this sh*t?

Seriously, I can't imagine a legitimate reason for making this stuff. The only reason it should be sold is because this is 'MURICA and nobody should EVER try to curtail our FREEDOMS, especially when it comes to Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms...errrr, wait a minute. Anyway, this stuff is probably the absolute worst thing I ever put in my mouth, and I once ate a live Praying Mantis on a dare.

I'm giving Joose Strawberry Margarita the coveted Golden Turd Award. This brew is so bad, it's good--based on pure, unabashed audacity alone.


  1. I wish I had read this before purchasing a half case. This is the worst crap I have ever tasted. I rarely (never) throw away alcohol, but I refuse to (can't) drink anymore. Ugh...

    1. Gratefully, most of us have a friend or two who will drink anything! ;-)

  2. I just spilled mine out. Thankfully it was only a one dollar investment.